through the fog (a pandemic diary of sorts)

How is it already mid-October? How have we lived through ten months of the year and I barely remember any of it? January and February, in my mind they didn’t happen. March, April, May and parts of June flew by in an instant. I was busy getting used to working from home, to staying home, and not seeing my family or friends. I was busy getting used to spending every moment with my husband in a condo that didn’t seem as small when we first moved in.

Every morning I would wake with a fire burning in my chest. I felt tired all of the time. I felt afraid. I worried constantly about my loved ones and their health. I’d FaceTime my parents and nieces, then cry after we got off of the phone because I missed them so much.

I didn’t think I could get through another day of walking from my bed, to my den for work, to my couch and then back to bed. I didn’t think I could go another weekend without seeing and hugging my family. My anxiety got so bad that I called the doctor and start taking my anxiety medication again. I wrote about this on She Does the City so I won’t dwell on these feelings but I won’t forget them either.

My sister caught me tearing up on one of our daily calls…

Without a my normal routines I became a ghost of myself during those earlier months. If I couldn’t see anyone in person or go out for coffee or even go into the office, then what was I to do? Well, I read a lot of books, watched ALL of the Netflix shows, and allowed myself to do nothing. I watched as my life became very quiet. I slowed right down and looked inside. I thought about what I wanted out of life and now, I’m slowly working toward it.

I know we’re not out of the woods yet but seeing my family, returning to work, driving, getting outside; it’s as if I’ve woken up from a dream.

I’ve been walking for months through thick fog and somehow, some way still ended up back home.

Yes, this year has been full of tears, fears, and sleepless nights but it has also been full of growth and reflection.

So, there’s that.

xo, Vanessa

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