It’s safe to say that I’ve been rather distracted lately. Apart from all of the last-minute wedding details (which my mom has graciously taken charge of) there’s also this heavy cloud of confusion weighing on my heart.
Let me explain…
The confusion has nothing to do with the wedding. That is the only thing that I am certain of at the moment. What I’m unsure of is where I’m headed. I’ve had several conversations with people in the last few weeks about my writing, life, and my future. I scroll through LinkedIn and Indeed like my life literally depends on it. I click-through vacation packages on Expedia like I can actually afford to go on every trip I have in mind. I frantically search for apartments for rent in Toronto since the condo Alex and I purchased won’t be ready until 2018. The truth is that I’m feeling rather lost, UNaccomplished, and as if I haven’t taken enough risks. No amount of coffee or wedding plans have been able to distract me from this feeling.
My current boss said something that I just can’t shake – she said that she hopes that I’m living- really living. That I take chances and have no regrets. She wants me to keep writing and following my dreams. My old boss used to say that to me all the time and I can’t help but wonder why people keep telling me this. Can they tell that I’ve been distracted? That I’ve thrown my passion project to the side without any regard for my dreams? Maybe.
Good news is that the entire universe seems to be pushing me toward my dreams. I received an email from a literary agency in Toronto asking if I had anything I want to share with them. Thankfully, I do and I am going to use every waking hour I have (after the wedding) to put together the book I’ve been writing on and off for what seems like years. Perhaps the more I work on it the less I’ll feel like I’m failing…
So with one week to go until the wedding, THIS is what I’m preoccupied with! OY VEY!
As I sat down at La Bamboche with my fluffy cappuccino I realized that I was about an hour early for my final wedding dress fitting.
MY FINAL WEDDING DRESS FITTING.
Which meant that I would get to take my dress home because it’s so close to the wedding that there’s no point in keeping at the store. Because I’m getting married in less than a month. In less than a month I get to marry my best friend, but not only that, I get to see what all this planning actually accomplished.
It feels completely surreal. Where did this year go?! Didn’t we just get engaged? Every time I try to picture what the day will look like I either get a bout of anxiety or I cry with happiness. I’m nervous about the big day and hope everything goes as planned but I’m also excited. Excited to finally say the vows I’ve written a million times, excited to walk down the aisle with my mom and dad, excited to watch my friends perform a song or two, excited to dance the night away with my family and closest friends. I’m also excited for the relief I’ll feel once the day is over. I’m looking forward to not worry about seating charts or floral arrangements or offending anyone. I’m excited for what happens after I DO.
Wait, what happens after I DO?! I guess we’ll find out ❤️.
**A special thank you to all of the wonderful women at Ritché Bridal for your patience, support, and magical alterations. I felt like an old friend every time I went for a fitting and I am sad for all of the future brides out there that won’t get to have the Ritché Bridal experience. Congratulations on your retirement and thank you for the dress of my dreams.**
Words I never thought I would put in a sentence (and actually mean them):
I loved everything about my bridal shower.
Let’s be clear, this is not because I didn’t think we could pull it off, but because I have never been a huge fan of bridal showers. Although I’ve had fun at all of the showers I’ve attended in recent years, I never quite understood the point of them. In fact I’m sure I mentioned once or twice that I didn’t want to have one. They’re A LOT of work, and super time-consuming; especially when your mother and florist are keen on the littlest of details. From making Mad-Hatter hats to cutting the corners of every piece of paper, to flowers and cookies, no detail was left out.
The theme I chose for my shower was Alice in Wonderland – it’s a book, one of my favourite Disney movies, and after looking on Pinterest I realized that there was so much that could be done with the theme. Over the last year my mom and aunt (who is also my florist) scoured all kinds of stores for the perfect props. With boxes and boxes stacked in the basement I nearly forgot how much was collected until we had to lug it all out again.
After months of planning, collecting, and prepping for the shower I asked my bridal party, mother, and aunt if they could decorate the restaurant without me so that I could see everything put together for the first time. And so they did…
Needless to say I was floored and completely overwhelmed by how nicely everything came together. They created my own version of Wonderland where everything is beautiful and just a little bit weird. As the guests made their way into the restaurant, they were handed their very own hat and asked to play some table games. All of the guests obliged and seemingly enjoyed all of the décor, food, raffles, and games throughout the afternoon. I made my way from table to table to welcome everyone and have a chat or two. I have to admit that I cried. More than once.
When the dessert table opened and everyone was full, I got up to say my thank-yous. Halfway through my written speech, I broke down. I felt such an incredible amount of love and joy in the room that I couldn’t contain myself. All of my family and friends showed up to celebrate Alex and I and the love we have for one another – it left me with a feeling a can’t quite describe. It’s somewhere between undeserving and ridiculously thankful, mixed in with utterly happy and exceedingly overwhelmed.
Thank you again to everyone who attended, to everyone who was there in spirit, and to everyone who helped out. It was a blissful day in Wonderland and I couldn’t be happier.
She’s scared of many things but failure in particular keeps her up at night. There are many things a person can fail, like a test or dream. You can learn from most failures and move on, and she is used to those kinds of failures.
One thing that she doesn’t want to fail at is her marriage. She isn’t getting cold feet because her heart is fuelled, heated, and powered by love. She sometimes thinks way into the future and pictures what their life together will be like. She clings to the hope that there will still be love, a love so great it can trump anything that stands in their way. She hopes that there will always be compromise and compassion between them. She jopes for honesty.
She pictures him looking at her the same way he did this morning, with a mixture of pride and astonishment, as if she couldn’t possibly be real. She feels his arms enveloped around her in the warmth of the morning glow. They’re standing on the front porch; he in his work clothes and she in her pajamas. She pictures him holding her that way forever. She might be a hopeless romantic but maybe that’s an important part of their relationship. Maybe they’ll struggle, change, fight, and play but they’ll love each other through it all.
Another wedding milestone has come and gone. On Saturday my sister hosted my bachelorette party at Lula Lounge in Toronto. My sister struggled with the planning because I’m kind of weird. I don’t like clubs or big groups, I go to bed early and send my spare time in bed reading. I would rather go to the ROM or the AGO then to a busy nightclub. However I highly doubt my best girls would want to spend their evening in a bookstore or library. After intense Googling, my sister found something that we’d all love; something fun but very me.
We started the evening with dinner and drinks, laughter and drinks, gossip (and did I mention drinks?). The meal was decent but I don’t think you go to Lula Lounge for the food. You go there for the awesome decor, the vibe, and the incredible music. After dinner we headed to the dance floor where we took up an awkwardly large space and danced our hearts out.
Although we were all pooped by 11 PM I had an amazing time. It’s not often that all of us can get together. We all have hectic lives and most of them have children, so when we do get together we make the most of it. I have an amazing group of women in my life who are super crazy, funny, and down-to-earth. I wouldn’t have wanted to spend my bachelorette with anyone else!
On My Pen, My Voice I had a series called The Bride’s Diary – the Road to I Do which I enjoyed writing so much that I thought I’d transfer it over here.
With less than 6 months until the big day, shit is getting real. The lists I had so much time to cross things off of are now begging to be looked at, decor is demanding to be planned, music is yearning to be chosen, stamps are screaming to be stamped, and the guest list is pushing to be finalized. With all that weighing on my shoulders (and many more things that haven’t been listed) I’ve started having wedding nightmares which casually bring to life my most legitimate wedding day fears. For your entertainment I’ve compiled a list of the ones I’ve had just this month.
- I begin to walk down the aisle and Alex is either drunk, not there, or laughing at my dress
- I begin to walk down the aisle and trip, ripping my dress, and face-planting so hard that my nose begins to bleed everywhere
- No guests attend the ceremony
- Thanks to bumper-to-bumper traffic I’m late for the wedding/don’t make it at all
- I look like a clown
- My dress won’t zip up and I have to walk down the aisle in sweatpants
- A fight breaks out during the reception
- All of the flowers die before we get to the hall
- The food makes everyone sick
- A freak snowstorm cancels the wedding
I’m sincerely hoping that all of these nightmares and stressful days are normal. I highly doubt any of the above will happen but I’d appreciate some good vibes being sent my way! If you have any suggestions with how to cope with wedding stress please let me know!!