I woke up this morning in a panic – my back sweaty, my breathing staggered and heavy. This happens often; I have nightmares about things I can’t remember and wake up my husband with my screams or huffing. Last night, I had a dream that wasn’t a nightmare exactly, but it bothered me just the same.

I’m sitting in a dark movie theatre, the only light coming from the screen in front of me. The scent of buttery popcorn fills my nostrils as I listen to those around me crunching loudly, including my nieces. The movie starts, and I shake my head, I know these characters. 

I’ve seen this movie before, I say to my nieces.

No way, Tia, it came out today, they reply in unison.

It takes a second to sink in; I recognize the characters because I created them. They’re the ones from my novel. The storyline is slightly different (better, maybe), but it’s still my story. The main character repeats a line I wrote, and I wake up, slowly coming out of my popcorn-scented dream world and into the reality where my husband snores louder than a revving engine. 

I feel panicky not because the story and characters were created by someone else in the dream but because I’m afraid they’ll never exist outside my head, outside my manuscript. I received several rejections in the past week from literary agents and publishing houses. My friend tells me to be patient, to believe in my book and to remember that I still have so many unanswered queries out there. 

Some days, I believe her. I can convince myself that she’s right; an agent is going to read my manuscript and want to represent me. On other days (when multiple rejections hit my inbox), I’m ready to throw out my notebook, change the bios on my socials, and never pick up a pen again. 

So, why haven’t I given up yet? Every single time I’ve taken a break from writing, it feels like I’ve lost a part of myself, and I’m pulled to pick up my pen before long. Rejection is part of writing, part of putting yourself out there. I can either file away my rejections and let them go, or I can give up and wonder what might have happened if I kept going. 

xo Vanessa

*Previously posted on Substack SEPT 12, 2024*